004: On Turning 17

Monday, April 11, 2016 0 Comments A+ a-

I am sixteen, going on seventeen. . .
Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen. . .

The post title and title card pretty much gives away what I want to talk about (also wow look at how messed up the shadows on that title card are). Anyway, if you've been around for a while you would know that I've always felt very uncomfortable with sharing my age; I usually use *toot*-teen, but today I decided to write about it.

Because why not?

I've been putting off writing this for quite a while, basically because I don't know how I'm going to be able to fix the mess known as my thoughts, but I promise I'll try my best to do so.

As you're reading this, I would've already turned 17. But as I'm writing this, I'm still 4 days away from turning 17. I'm not scared or anything. For all I know turning 17 is just like turning 16, apart from the fact that there's a year difference and that I am gifted this magical thing called maturity (not entirely true, but ok). The feeling I get when I'm reminded that I'm turning 17 isn't fear, but it's something else I can't fully describe, but I will try.

I feel uncertain, for one. I'm only a year away from becoming legal and technically an adult. I can't even handle not spending all my money on junk food and fandom merch, how am I supposed to handle adulting? How do you even adult? I can't adult.

Also I'm still 4"11 and that's just sad.

Turning 17 also means that I have to start making decisions that are actually going to matter in life like a career path and a course to take up during college. I can't be trusted to make those decisions because I'm the most indecisive person I know. I really don't want to take up something I'm going to end up regretting and realizing that I wasted a lot of money and effort on, but I also don't want to regret not taking up something that might be the best path for me to take.

Apart from feeling uncertain, I also feel kind of sad. Who gets sad on their birthdays, right? Me, apparently. I said kind of sad though, not sad sad. I guess I'm feeling this way because as time keeps moving forward, I'm going to have to move forward too and I'm going to have to leave a lot of things behind. I guess you could say I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that I am growing up and with that a whole lot of changes are going to occur and I can't stop that.

Because change is such a bitch.

I also feel happy about turning 17 though! If you think about it, I am so lucky to be given the chance to carry on living and existing in this wonderful albeit sometimes dark world, filled with even more wonderful people (and terrible ones but hey nevermind the haters, right?). There's still so much I haven't done in my life and I figured I should be happy because I still have time to do if not all then most of those things.

I've been at home for the first 2 weeks of summer just bumming around and all - which also means being left alone with my own thoughts; a dangerous, dangerous thing. I chose a title card that contains a cassette tape because it kind of sums up what's been going on in my head recently.

I constantly wished that my life could be just like a cassette tape. I could pause at beautiful moments in life and cherish them a little longer, I could cut off the bad parts and stick the good ones together, I could stop when I feel like giving up just to give myself time away from all the stress, I could play all of my favorite moments in life over and over again.

But the thing is, my life isn't a cassette tape (see, reality is a bitch too).

It's something so much better.

And I am so ready to take on another year of it.

the dancing queen, apparently

Have you guys seen the trailer for Me Before You? It's so beautiful I'm going to cry.

a 19 year old girl who firmly believes in the power and joy of writing and that the owl carrying her Hogwarts letter simply got lost.

May the comments be ever in my favor (or not)