000: I Hope Someday You See This
I was going through my drafts and saw this post I wrote quite a long time ago. I completely forgot this even existed and I was about to delete it since this was such a long time ago + I just celebrated my one year anniversary with my current significant other (woop woop), but I thought that would be a waste. Sayang naman yung ~learning experience~ from this post (charot). I was so SO hurt after this relationship and I thought I'd never get over it, but this just proves that shit gets better. It always does. :)
It will probably take me more than one try to finish this and finally press that Publish button.
It will probably take me more than one try to finish this and finally press that Publish button.
10-22-15
It took me a while to finally decide to write something
I wrote "you" four times within that paragraph. I may just be a bad writer who doesn't know how to use pronouns properly or I really, really like you.
That was me trying to be poetic.
10-25-15
I used to be this girl who was head over heels for a guy who would never look at her the same way. I even wrote him this. I was so sure that that was the extent of any romance I'm ever going to get in life. How rude of you to just come into my life and change everything.
10-31-15
I swear, you are the only person who is not weirded (this isn't even a word) out by the fact that I stayed up until 11:59 PM last night just to greet you a Happy Halloween and sent you "scary" stuff. You didn't even tell me to just go to sleep, instead you went along with it and even found it funny. I could end the post right here. That alone is enough reason to explain why I like you.
But there's just so much more reasons and I cannot leave them out.
11-13-15
Happy Friday the 13th. Happy 9th month. You're an idiot.
11-15-15
When I said you were an idiot 2 days ago, I meant it. The problem is, I am also an idiot. I was irrationally pissed off at you and I'm sorry. I'm really happy you didn't give up on me or got angry (despite the fact that I ignored all 38 messages from you). We have highs (most of the time) and lows (this, right now), but I swear there's no day when I'm not grateful you're part of my life. Even when we're fighting (or in this case, even when I'm super pissed at you).
11-17-15
You listened to Made in the A.M. for me! Okay, maybe not entirely for me. But you did trust me enough to follow my recommendation. You loved A.M. and Infinity and you have no idea how happy it made me when you told me about how good these songs were.
11-18-15
It's these kinds of night when I'm left with my own thoughts. Sometimes I feel insufficient. I feel like everyone around me deals with feelings so well and I don't know why, but I can't do that. Like, I'm always asking for something or looking for something, when in fact I should just be enjoying whatever I have. I hate how complex I assume situations are where in reality they're insanely simple. I also hate how much I overthink about every little thing.
12-06-15
It's been a while since I updated this post. Maybe it's because I've been spending so much time with you that I need not any words to put here to make me remember how much I like you. Did that even make sense? Or maybe the reason for the short hiatus is crapload of schoolwork and hours of practice for Carol Fest next week. You've been really nice; climbing 4 flights of stairs to see me during vacant periods and dealing with how moody I've been.
A few days ago, last Friday, I think, you gave me matchstick. You said [in the vernacular]; "para match tayo." (in English, roughly "so that we're a perfect match"). You also gave me a DIY batarang made from a frisbee? I found it insanely cute.
12-17-15
(I'm cheating and writing this on the 18th)
I thought today would be a disaster. There were major changes in the schedules which messed up all Christmas party plans. But it still ended up being amazing. There were a few slight changes, like not getting to the dessert buffet place on time (devastating, I know), but I had a lot of fun. Thanks for walking me home, sorry I couldn't do the same. Thanks for making me laugh so much today. Thanks for lending me your sweater when it got really cold. Thanks for carrying my bag for me. Thanks for the Christmas gift you gave me (HAHA). Thanks for today.
Oh and thanks for giving me a hug before you went home!
12-19-15
I was so happy yesterday due to some after effects of the night before. You never fail to amaze me with how awkward and funny and weird you are. I love how extensive our shared knowledge on the color of poop of constipated people are. #RelationshipGoals.
Also, taking advantage of the new Star Wars sticker sets on Messenger with you was fun.
12-17-15
(I'm cheating and writing this on the 18th)
I thought today would be a disaster. There were major changes in the schedules which messed up all Christmas party plans. But it still ended up being amazing. There were a few slight changes, like not getting to the dessert buffet place on time (devastating, I know), but I had a lot of fun. Thanks for walking me home, sorry I couldn't do the same. Thanks for making me laugh so much today. Thanks for lending me your sweater when it got really cold. Thanks for carrying my bag for me. Thanks for the Christmas gift you gave me (HAHA). Thanks for today.
Oh and thanks for giving me a hug before you went home!
12-19-15
I was so happy yesterday due to some after effects of the night before. You never fail to amaze me with how awkward and funny and weird you are. I love how extensive our shared knowledge on the color of poop of constipated people are. #RelationshipGoals.
Also, taking advantage of the new Star Wars sticker sets on Messenger with you was fun.
01-17-15
Wow days went by really fast. I seem to have neglected updating this post. We had a little trouble getting through 2016 (literally) when we fought a few days before the end of December, but we were able to fix it and I'm really happy that we did.
The sad thing is, last night we fought again. Or at least I thought that was a fight. Sometimes I can't tell you things in fear that you might dislike me for what I say. It's a shallow fear, I know, but you mean a lot to me and I don't want us to lose whatever we have.
But today, I question that.
Here is everything I could never tell you last night.
All I wanted was a bit of effort from your part. Exactly a year ago on the 14th of January, was the first time we went on a date(-ish) along with some friends. We asked you guys on a date. This year, I was expecting so much. I thought that this time around, you would ask me. But you never did.
We're really young and we have a lot to learn, but one of the things I struggle with all the time is the fact that you don't seem like you actually want to be around me sometimes. You don't make an effort to see me. Yes, we talk everyday, but it's through the aid of the internet and a phone or a laptop.
I don't think I need to say this, but I will: I make an effort to see you and talk to you because I want to. I don't need any other reason. So, why do you? You borrowed my friend's umbrella so you could return it to her and have a reason to see me. Couldn't you just have gone up to see me?
You say I love you, and you say you mean it, but why are your actions betraying your words?
01-23-16
Guess who forgot to update? Me. Thankfully, we fixed the fight.
We both agreed to give it one last more try. I thought I was making the wrong choice for a second, but you proved me wrong. You did change. And I tried my best to do so too.
You began exerting more effort; visiting me on a daily basis, recognizing the line between being clingy and caring, and all the while being an amazing person. I'm trying not to be super needy as well and I've been working on being less emotional. I am so grateful that we're both working it out and I really hope we'll get it right.
This week has been super, super crappy. And I mean extra crappy than all those other crappy weeks, but you helped make it okay.
To be really honest, I like our odds too.
03-27-16
Wow I've completely neglected this post. I can't believed I missed several significant events that should matter like Valentine's and our first year anniversary, but meh right now what I think matters is that we're making it work? Idk.
04-23-16
Last night we had a fight that ended at 2 in the morning, thankfully not in tears. I still learn new things about you everyday, and I still love them all. Except maybe the fact that you don't love dogs as much as I do. Don't worry, I can live with that.
05-13-16
Happy Friday the 13th :):
I'm sorry.
08-28-16
I don't know what to do. But I do know that I still like you and I care about you.
All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now.
09-28-16
Hi, I know we don't see each other as often anymore and our conversations get a little duller everyday, but please know that I still love you.
10-13-16
Thank you for a year and 8 months.
10-23-16
Hi, I hope you're doing well. Take care of yourself, okay? I'll always be here for you if you ever need anything. But for now, good bye.
11-18-16
I never thought I would still update this given the circumstances; 1. there isn't an us anymore, 2. we are strangers to each other now, and 3. it hurts to write about you.
But here I am. Because even though it hurts to write about you, for some stupid ass reason, I love doing it. Pain reminds us we're alive daw eh sabi nila. Full to the brim with happiness and laughter, you used to make me feel so alive,
You still do.
But now it's the pain that reminds me that I'm alive and I feel ever so deeply.
Idk. Idk what this is.
12-22-16
So many things has happened, I don't know how to keep this updated. I'm not entirely sure if I have plans of actually keeping this updated though. We're still not back together. You've already told me that the chances of that happening are nonexistent. It hurt. It hurt like hell. But for some reason, it also helped me realize that if this decision makes you happy, then I am happy for you.
You will always have a special place in my heart.
I wish you well. I love you.
02-07-17
I have absolutely no idea when this thread will stop. I hope it does soon :(
But yay we got to see each other today and eat out and just talk after what felt like such a long 3 months. I hate how we pretended as if nothing big ever happened. I hate how we ignored the fact that we ignored the fact that I had been crying everyday for 3 months. I hate that I had so much fun I couldn't bear to be angry or spiteful.
I had so much fun today. I missed you so so much.
11-02-18
This is it. We've gone full circle. It's been two years. It's time to finally publish this, I think. Our adventures were great. I will be forever grateful to have met someone like you. I'll see you around, 'kay?
Never really thought I'd say this, but man that relationship was wack! It really does get better. There really were happier days that came after. I was young and I didn't really know much about relationships, but I'm glad that I got through that. That shit hurted, but y'know life goes on and I'm happy with where I am and who I am with now. :)
All the love,
Andrea
May the comments be ever in my favor (or not)