010: The Fear of Missing Out and the Art of Getting By

Photo by Arek Adeoye on Unsplash
It's a Monday evening, a school night, and I'm still at home. I have a 7am class tomorrow which I can no longer cut because I'm one absence away from being dropped. My fever's gone, but the headache's still there. For the nth time (and most probably not the last), I reflect on the idea that maybe I made some wrong choices.

What Three Seasons of Grey's Anatomy Taught Me

While I'd like to say that my summer days was spent on glorious beach trips and parties, the reality is that I've been watching a lot. I caught up with my Watch List on Netflix, my subscriptions on Youtube, and even some missed livestreams on Twitch. On this blog post, I'd like to focus on the things I've learned from binge-watching Grey's Anatomy.


I'm done being silent. I'm done suppressing sentiments about the current state of Philippine politics just to avoid being criticized or lectured by older family members and friends. I'm done reserving my thoughts about murderers and plunderers in this country because of fear that my church leaders would see it and talk to me about it. I'm done.

Honestly, shame on everyone who voted for murderers and plunderers. They don't deserve a seat in the Senate. They never will. Don't give the "pwede pa silang magbago" (They can still change) argument to me because hello they should have changed before they ran for the Senate. I'm so angry at everything that's happening to my country.

This is the first time in so long that the Filipinos have candidates like Chel Diokno, a Human Rights lawyer, Samira Gutoc, a civic leader in Marawi, Leody De Guzman, a representative of the labor force that actually knows what's going on and cares about this sector. Neri Colmenares, zero accounts of corruption in his 3 years of service. And yet...

Every single one of the current Top 12 Senators are either supporters of our murderer of a President, a land grabber, a plunderer, or just plain dumb. Bong Revilla has 16 accounts of graft, while he was stead. Imee Marcos is the daughter of a dictator and has current cases in Ilocos for misuse of tobacco funds. Lito Lapid is,,, a fucking,,, actor. I could go on and on, but you could do your research. It's a Google inquiry away. With this said, none of these people deserve a seat in the Senate. None of them are representative of the Filipinos who want real change. But here they are. With millions of votes.

And I don't blame the masses. I'm fortunate enough to receive the education I have. I'm so lucky to have a roof over my head and food on the table. I'm fortunate to not have to sell my vote in order to get my allowance for the week. The misinformed masses are not the culprits. They are all victims as well.

The government knows that when they educate the people, they can no longer scheme, lie, and cheat to them. So they don't educate them. They blatantly lie and cheat these people. Thousands of Vote Counting Machines malfunctioned during the election, there were hundred of reports that their ballots didn't reflect the choices on their receipts, and there were people who weren't even allowed to see their receipts! This is the dirtiest elections I have ever witnessed. The masses are offered large amounts of money for their votes. Their needs are exploited by these power hungry officials who could care less about the masses. And don't tell me I don't know anything about the masses because I'm not part of it. I'm neither a Jew nor a German but I know what Hitler did was terrible, so just don't get me started on that. I can see what's happening. Don't try to tell me otherwise.

Don't also tell me na mag-aral na lang (just study) because I am studying. Which is why I'm fighting. Sayang yung mga pinag-aralan ko kung hindi ko naman kayang i-apply (My education will be put to waste if I don't use it). UP doesn't only teach me the hard sciences, but also the morals and responsibilities that come with being an Iskolar ng Bayan. This is my country as much as it is yours. And I'm willing to fight for it.

And to people who genuinely support our president, to that church leader who posted about Duterte ending political dynasties and the drug war eliminating the barangay captains and kapitans who seemed impossible to be unseated, honestly, check your privilege. Honestly, how can you praise Duterte for his "achievements" during his drug war when there were so many casualties? More than 20,000 people dead. Most of those are people from the slums. People who couldn't defend themselves. People who were also just victims.

How can you praise Duterte for all of this? You look at the good side and fail to recognize that there are so many bad sides. Drug addiction is a sickness. There are countless studies that support this. It's time we start treating it as what it is. This bloody drug war is anti-poor. Hundreds of news articles show this. And if you think that Duterte ending political dynasties and instigating fear to control people is worth all of these lives, then I don't think we believe in the same God. I don't think we belong in the same church.

I just find it so hard to believe that people I see in church, people I sit through testimonies with, people I watch stake conferences with, can have the guts to watch the poor die and suffer. I know I haven't been as active in the church, but I know this isn't what my leaders taught me. I know this isn't what Jesus and Heavenly Father wanted us to learn. Out of everything I learned in church as I grew older, empathy was one I was always most thankful for.

It's saddening to think that not everyone in church got to learn it.

I know a blog post won't do much. I don't even think I've got an audience here enough to make even the smallest echoes. But I don't care. I'm here to manifest what I believe in, I don't care if nobody is listening. Today, I'm going to be out there, in the streets, with the people. Because you can cheat your way to that Senate seat, but the parliament of the streets will prevail.


000: I Hope Someday You See This

I was going through my drafts and saw this post I wrote quite a long time ago. I completely forgot this even existed and I was about to delete it since this was such a long time ago + I just celebrated my one year anniversary with my current significant other (woop woop), but I thought that would be a waste. Sayang naman yung ~learning experience~ from this post (charot). I was so SO hurt after this relationship and I thought I'd never get over it, but this just proves that shit gets better. It always does. :)

1st Semester as a Vet Student a.k.a college is so hard pls help me

I'm posting this a few days before my second semester starts, but I wrote it a few days into the end of my first semester. Messy, but let's roll with it.

My last finals exam a.k.a the exam that marks the beginning of my freedom was last Wednesday. But the fact that my first semester is done has only sunk in now. My brain still feels weird about not having to finish a to-do list.

Officially an Iska + My First Two Months in College

     I was going to whip up a post about my first two months in college, but I visited my drafts and found a half-baked post I wrote a few days before I was moving in to my apartment. I think it'd be pretty cool to include that along with what happened during my first month in college. I have three papers due tomorrow, but... I have nothing. Let's just keep going before I change my mind and abandon this post again.

008: Graduation and College - A Comeback Post

Photo by Baim Hanif on Unsplash
Photo edit by yours truly

     I gotta admit, changing that blog sidebar information from "18 year old high school senior" to "19 year old college freshman" felt really weird. And yea b0i, ya home girl graduated high school! On that note, I should probably stop writing like that because I've shared this website/blog to several clients on my freelancing stint (yea b0i, ya home girl also has a job - well, occasionally anyway).

     It's been a while since my last post (a while = half a year), and I don't really have a good reason for the absence. Just that I've been busy with enjoying ~senior year~ (enjoying = drowning in school work) and stressing out over college entrance exam results. I do want to keep blogging though (have you noticed that this is a recurring line on all my comeback posts?)!

     I thought it'd be nice to start with a little update on school and college since I seem to talk about it on here a lot. See journal entry #007 where I panic about college entrance exams and not knowing what I want to do with my life. I thought it'd be pretty cool to have my next journal entry about the same topic, just a tad bit happier.

     All modesty aside, I qualified for the four most well-known universities in the Philippines (a.k.a. The Big Four) - which, to this day, will always be one of the biggest blessings in my life. All the studying all night and depression naps definitely paid off. They all didn't drop their results at the same time and there was so much existential crises in between the dates of exam results — but all of it pretty much paid off. All. Of. It. I am immensely grateful for the chance to choose between the four best (imo anw) universities in the country.

     I guess the only forseeable problem right now is choosing where to go, right? I mean, that seems like an easy choice seeing that all four universities are among the best in the country. But the thing is, I'm still having issues with what I want to do with my life. Nope, that part, sadly, hasn't changed. The happy part of the post ends here, I guess.

     The two universities I'm considering are Ateneo de Manila University and Unuversity of the Philippines. I know, I know. I once said that the latter was my dream university. It seems like an easy decision to make, right?


    Choosing Ateneo de Manila means choosing a secure future. I was offered a scholarship slash sponsorship to study Data Sciences - all my needs such as transportation fees, allowance, and even housing needs are handled by the sponsor. I don't need to worry about a single things that involves money - which is a pretty good deal considering the fact that Ateneo offers an expensive education (of good quality though so). The downside, however, is that right after graduating, I would have to pay off all the money that was spent on me. So it's kind of like a loan. That's it though, right? This is the sign that I should definitely just choose my dream university.

     Buuuut, I've been told that once I graduate and land my spot on the sponsor's company, I'd be more than capable of paying back all the fees. In short, they're assuring me a bright future. I'd have a job as soon as I graduate, I'd earn a lot in that job if I do well, and I'm basically well off after graduation. And it's enticing. I am enticed. So why am I considering choosing UP over Ateneo?

     The course. Data Sciences has a lot of math. I saw the curriculum and it almost made me cry. I had to take up calculus again and data algorithms and statistics. I wanted college to be the years of my life where I finally, finally choose the path that I actually want to take. And data sciences just isn't that path.

     So the clear answer, it seems, is UP, right? But the thing is, I'm worried about the expenses. My family isn't exactly the most well off. We could use the 4 more years of not having to worry about tuition in Ateneo. Well, there isn't tuition in UP as well, but my family would have to pay for my housing, my allowance, and generally the stuff I'd need for school.

    I'm pretty much torn. Do I choose the safer, but very boring path? Or do I choose the unsure, but exciting path? I know, I know, Data Sciences won't exactly be boring all the time, I'm sure there'll be fun times. But I know myself. And I hate math. I would survive, but I would be suffering.

    That's all I have for now. I'll try to keep you updated.

     It's nice to be blogging again :)

Gossip Girl