010: The Fear of Missing Out and the Art of Getting By

It's a Monday evening, a school night, and I'm still at home. I have a 7am class tomorrow which I can no longer cut because I'm one absence away from being dropped. My fever's gone, but the headache's still there. For the nth time (and most probably not the last), I reflect on the idea that maybe I made some wrong choices.

Me and my dormmates were planning to go home to our respective houses early morning Saturday, but I woke up with chills and high fever. Me and my boyfriend had to stay in my dorm while all my dormmates went home because I could barely get up. I had never been sick in Los Baños before. Sure I had headaches and colds, but never /that/ sick. I couldn't get up, my boyfriend had to buy me food and help me up to drink water or to pee. My mind felt like it was going to implode any minute and my body decided it was a volcano ready to erupt. What scared me the most was that it was so sudden. I felt fine that Friday. I even attended a meeting that night and cooked dinner for my friends!

I had so many things running through my head; is it rabies? Was I bitten in class and never noticed? Did I swallow a patient's saliva? Was that even possible? How did I not know the answer to that? Am I really a Veterinary Medicine student? What if it was Dengue? Or Tetanus toxoid? My boyfriend called both my mom and dad Saturday afternoon and my mom drive from Nueva Ecija to Los Baños – which is a 6 to 7 hour drive – in the middle of a party for my grandmother.

When my mom arrived, we went to the hospital and got tests done and as it turned out, I had Urinary Tract Infection, with "complicated" attached to it. My mom got me everything I needed from meds to medical certificates in case I couldn't come to class in the next few days. She also scheduled future lab tests that I have to do when I get back just to make sure I was completely okay before I start attending classes again. She also took care of my laundry, brought me home, paid for everything that needed paying for, and now promised to drive me back to Los Baños after her shift at work.

Everything that transpired over the past few days made me realize how much I missed home. I thought I was okay that Friday night, but now, looking back, I remember drinking a lot of softdrinks and coffee. I remember eating junk food because I was too busy preparing for an exam to eat a proper meal. I remember sleeping at 2 in the morning and getting up 4 hours later for a 7am class. I was tired. And maybe getting sick was the right reminder that no one's going to take of me – because that's my job now. I have to take care of me.

I'm immensely grateful for my boyfriend who devoted his entire Saturday trying to nurse me back to health (even though he says I'm his most difficult patient). I love you, babe. I'm sorry our plans for the weekend didn't push through.

I can't even begin writing about my mom without crying. I missed her so much and I never realized it until I needed a mom again. I'm incredibly grateful to have such a strong woman in my life, who's so full of love.

And the reason why I think some of my decisions are wrong is because I realized that my mom's not going to be here forever. And I chose to spend 6 years away from home. I chose to study away from home. When I should have transferred when I got the chance. I'm scared that one day, when everything gets too heavy and too hard, my mom won't be there anymore to catch me. I'm scared that when she gets taken away, I won't be there. I'm scared that I'm going to miss out on a lot more mother-daughter things because I won't be home. And all of that just breaks my heart.

But my mom raised no quitter. So I'm going to get up and recover as best as I can and keep going. I'm going to make sure I graduate on time so I don't spend more than 6 years in vet school. Right now, it's not about getting high grades anymore, but it's just about being enough. I'm tired of pushing myself to the limit and not understanding what the consequences for my health might be. This is an oath to take care of myself better to get by. Because I have to. I have dogs and cats and reptiles and birds to save. I'm going to make my parents, and all the people I love, proud of me. I'm going to make myself proud of me.

Even if it's just for getting by.

One day at a time.