Amaranthine: Journal

Journal

Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts

It's a Monday evening, a school night, and I'm still at home. I have a 7am class tomorrow which I can no longer cut because I'm one absence away from being dropped. My fever's gone, but the headache's still there. For the nth time (and most probably not the last), I reflect on the idea that maybe I made some wrong choices.

I was going through my drafts and saw this post I wrote quite a long time ago. I completely forgot this even existed and I was about to delete it since this was such a long time ago + I just celebrated my one year anniversary with my current significant other (woop woop), but I thought that would be a waste. Sayang naman yung ~learning experience~ from this post (charot). I was so SO hurt after this relationship and I thought I'd never get over it, but this just proves that shit gets better. It always does. :)

I'm posting this a few days before my second semester starts, but I wrote it a few days into the end of my first semester. Messy, but let's roll with it.

My last finals exam a.k.a the exam that marks the beginning of my freedom was last Wednesday. But the fact that my first semester is done has only sunk in now. My brain still feels weird about not having to finish a to-do list.

Photo by Baim Hanif on Unsplash
Photo edit by yours truly

I gotta admit, changing that blog sidebar information from "18 year old high school senior" to "19 year old college freshman" felt really weird. And yea b0i, ya home girl graduated high school! On that note, I should probably stop writing like that because I've shared this website/blog to several clients on my freelancing stint (yea b0i, ya home girl also has a job - well, occasionally anyway).

It's been a while since my last post (a while = half a year), and I don't really have a good reason for the absence. Just that I've been busy with enjoying ~senior year~ (enjoying = drowning in school work) and stressing out over college entrance exam results. I do want to keep blogging though (have you noticed that this is a recurring line on all my comeback posts?)!

I thought it'd be nice to start with a little update on school and college since I seem to talk about it on here a lot. See journal entry #007 where I panic about college entrance exams and not knowing what I want to do with my life. I thought it'd be pretty cool to have my next journal entry about the same topic, just a tad bit happier.

All modesty aside, I qualified for the four most well-known universities in the Philippines (a.k.a. The Big Four) - which, to this day, will always be one of the biggest blessings in my life. All the studying all night ~~and depression naps~~ definitely paid off. They all didn't drop their results at the same time and there was so much existential crises in between the dates of exam results — but all of it pretty much paid off. All. Of. It. I am immensely grateful for the chance to choose between the four best (imo anw) universities in the country.

I guess the only forseeable problem right now is choosing where to go, right? I mean, that seems like an easy choice seeing that all four universities are among the best in the country. But the thing is, I'm still having issues with what I want to do with my life. Nope, that part, sadly, hasn't changed. The happy part of the post ends here, I guess.

The two universities I'm considering are Ateneo de Manila University and Unuversity of the Philippines. I know, I know. I once said that the latter was my dream university. It seems like an easy decision to make, right?

Wrong.

Choosing Ateneo de Manila means choosing a secure future. I was offered a scholarship slash sponsorship to study Data Sciences - all my needs such as transportation fees, allowance, and even housing needs are handled by the sponsor. I don't need to worry about a single things that involves money - which is a pretty good deal considering the fact that Ateneo offers an expensive education (of good quality though so). The downside, however, is that right after graduating, I would have to pay off all the money that was spent on me. So it's kind of like a loan. That's it though, right? This is the sign that I should definitely just choose my dream university.

Buuuut, I've been told that once I graduate and land my spot on the sponsor's company, I'd be more than capable of paying back all the fees. In short, they're assuring me a bright future. I'd have a job as soon as I graduate, I'd earn a lot in that job if I do well, and I'm basically well off after graduation. And it's enticing. I am enticed. So why am I considering choosing UP over Ateneo?

The course. Data Sciences has a lot of math. I saw the curriculum and it almost made me cry. I had to take up calculus again and data algorithms and statistics. I wanted college to be the years of my life where I finally, finally choose the path that I actually want to take. And data sciences just isn't that path.

So the clear answer, it seems, is UP, right? But the thing is, I'm worried about the expenses. My family isn't exactly the most well off. We could use the 4 more years of not having to worry about tuition in Ateneo. Well, there isn't tuition in UP as well, but my family would have to pay for my housing, my allowance, and generally the stuff I'd need for school.

I'm pretty much torn. Do I choose the safer, but very boring path? Or do I choose the unsure, but exciting path? I know, I know, Data Sciences won't exactly be boring all the time, I'm sure there'll be fun times. But I know myself. And I hate math. I would survive, but I would be suffering.

That's all I have for now. I'll try to keep you updated.

It's nice to be blogging again :)

xoxo,
~~Gossip Girl~~
Andrea

From writing around 5-7 posts per month to barely even writing any. Looking at my blog honestly feels so different now, compared to a few years back. I used to be so proud of all the content I put up and my blog was the only piece of work I was relatively proud of. Now.. Well, now, not so much.

Nick Hillier
So, all 4 of the biggest universities that I wanted to get into just dropped their online application links this month and I completely lost my shit. I don't know what to do with my life and it's time to decide.

I have been spending so much time writing, but not because it's NaNoWriMo. It's not even because I want to keep this blog alive again. I've been writing so much trying to convince myself that maybe I'll be able to write out all the sadness inside me. I've written poems (shitty ones), stories, one-shots, letters, and all the other forms I could think of. So, tell me, please tell me, why am I still sad?

Yesterday I somehow managed to burn popcorn in a microwave, forget to turn off a faucet for a full hour, and today skipped school because no matter how much my alarm blared this morning I just couldn't find the willpower to face the world.

This is a post about the things I wish you had said instead of "Sorry" when I was on the lowest point I have ever been.

I'm apologizing in advance for what I assume would be a lengthy post with nothing but rambles and unorganized thoughts.

It's prom season again.

This blog post was inspired by a video created by Will Darbyshire called Fear, which I highly suggest that you watch if you have the time because it is the most accurate representation of how I've been feeling recently.

One of the best ways to get rid of fear is by actually doing what you fear, but personally, I also think that talking about it is the second best option. You have to recognize what you fear, see why you fear it, and whether you like it or not, you have to face it.

I have a lot of wonderful friends but sometimes I just feel like I couldn't talk to them about these kind of things, so I decided to write it down here in the hopes that while doing so, I'll feel better and maybe I could make other people feel better as well by letting them know they're not alone.

"When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them a hot beverage."

"Social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea."

"As you're in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage."

- Sheldon Lee Cooper, Ph.D., Sc.D.

Events of yesterday, the third and last Friday the 13th of 2015, has been circling the internet and causing reactions from every form of social media. This post isn't an analyzation of what could have possibly been inside those terrorists' head nor a speculative and science-y post about that 7.0 earthquake nor a hate post on ISIS. This is about how I feel about what's happening. And how much I need a hot beverage because the world doesn't stop because of these worldwide issues.

A few more hours until November! Besides marking the start of NaNoWriMo, November also means Christmas is just an entire month away. Next thing you know, it's already 2016. This year went by so fast for me. So many things changed in a span of 11 months; I met a lot of wonderful people, I lost touch with a few as well, I had a lot of adventures (*cough* failed microwave mug cakes *cough*), I found myself happily in a relationship with a wonderful person, I'm getting better at handling stress (okay, this is a bit of a lie), and I started to play table tennis again. I can't express how much I've changed over the past few months.

There's just one thing I'm still completely unsure about though; College.

I don't even know where to start. Supposedly, at this point I have already chosen a good university, took the entrance exam, and am anxiously waiting for a positive response. But that's not the case. Due to the shifting of the curriculum I'm under, I have to go through 2 more years of high school before I get to step onto college.

Then what the hell are you so worried about? You've got 2 more years to decide on all that college stuff!

Well, not exactly. See, the 2 additional years are supposed to help us be more apt to whatever course we're getting in college. So, basically the need to decide what you want to take up after 2 years is pretty vital since you are to study subjects that will prepare you for just that. I'm not sure I'm ready to make that big of a decision because 1. I'm fickle, and 2. I have absolutely no idea what I want to be or what I want to do with my life.

What if, say I choose Creative Writing or English now, but then after those additional 2 years in high school I realize that my heart belongs to Theater Arts? I'm not ready for that big of a commitment. I don't trust myself with big decisions like this because I can't even deal with small ones right now. Don't believe me? My family and I were to eat lunch out a few days back and I spent, and I shit you not, 10 minutes trying to choose which shirt I was going to wear.

Fine, that doesn't prove anything. But, the story isn't over. Instead of picking up a clean shirt from my closet, I realize I want to wear (an awesome) shirt that I already wore the day before. So I pick up a shirt from my dirty clothes hamper. Little did I know that everyone was going to dress up and there I was wearing a dirty shirt with a small food stain from the last time I wore it.

Do you see now? That was such a small decision and I managed to mess it up.

Oh, but the college complication doesn't stop there. No, it just had to be more complicated than that. See, the school I'm in right now will only cater students who choose to study courses under Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics. I'm not entirely sure I can survive 2 more years of all that, let alone the entirety of my college years. But I don't want to leave my school. I know forcing myself to take up something my heart's not into is a terrible idea, but I just can't leave my alma mater. I have made a lot of friends and memories there. I also don't want to leave because my significant other is staying. I know my choices shouldn't depend on someone else's, but I want to be where he is.

I'm going to forget I actually typed down that last part because that was hella cheesy. Look at that photo in the beginning of this blog post. See how squeezed it is? Looks and feels weird, right? That's me. Right now. Yes. Anyway, if there's word to describe what I'm feeling right now.

Bamboozled.

Andrea

P.S.

NANOWRIMO IS IN A FEW HOURS!!!1